I'm not going to give you a traditional review of this book (I'll do a little one at the end), and I'm not going to go down the hilarious taking-the-mick/parody route that has been done so much better than I ever could (
Kitty Catastrophe and
Karen, to name my favourites). I'm just going to get a few little things off my heaving bosom. Sorry - my chest. It's infecting me already.
The back cover:
Romantic, liberating and totally addictive, this is a novel that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.
When literature student Anastasia Steele interviews the successful entrepreneur Christian Grey, she finds him very attractive and deeply intimidating. Convinced that their meeting went badly, she tries to put him out of her mind - until he turns up at the store where she works part-time, and invites her out.
Unworldly and innocent, Ana is shocked to find she wants this man. And, when he warns her to keep her distance, it only makes her want him more.
But Grey is tormented by inner demons, and consumed by the need to control. As they embark on a passionate love affair, Ana discovers more about her own desires, as well as the dark secrets Grey keeps hidden away from public view...
It doesn't sound so bad on the back, does it? I actually read the synopsis of this a while back on Amazon when they were running their 2 for 7 deal on paperbacks, and skipped it over in favour of Susan Hill's The Woman in Black. I later succumbed to all the hype and bought it in Tesco for around e7. I can honestly say, that this is without a shadow of a doubt, the worst book I have ever, EVER read, and I have been reading since I was three years old.
Firstly, as you're all probably aware (or maybe not), this started life as a
Twilight fanfic called... eh... Master of the Universe. You can read all about that
HERE, where they do a couple of nifty comparisons between the two. Are we all picturing He-Man now? Yes? Good.
I don't know how it was published in its current form. The writing is so juvenile, it's actually hilarious. E.L. James writes as if she's just discovered the existence of metaphors and similes. "She has her teeth in a book". "He's all muscles and shoulders in his t-shirt". "His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel". I burst out laughing several times while reading it. Also, I'd like someone to tell me what "sandles" are (page 428). Bad editor. BAD.
What I want to know is, why has the world gone 50 Shades mad?! Apparently, Virgin Atlantic will now be providing an audio copy of the book for their passengers to "enjoy". You can read the article in Cosmopolitan
here. I'd like you to read, in particular, this quote from Virgin Atlantic's head of PR Fay Burgin:
"We want to give our female passengers the chance to enjoy the book in an intimate way, away from prying eyes. Of course, we can't promise to spare any blushes and can't be held responsible for any risque* behaviour that listening to the recording inspires."
Are you serious, Fay Burgin? Have you read the book? The only risque behaviour that could possibly be a result of reading this book "in an intimate way" is for someone to have an episode of the
Gerard Depardieu kind from laughing.
I'm interested, also, as to what you picture when you think of Christian Grey. For me, it's now a mash-up of He-Man, Winnie the Pooh (thanks
Kitty) and this ungodly creature:
Why have women started declaring Christian Grey as "The Ultimate Man"?! What's so great about a moody prick who likes to control stupid girls? Is this what women want, a brutish bully that throws money at them and makes them feel like shit? Oh, but it's okay, is it, to want to hurt someone every time you look at them, as long as he leaves painkillers? There's nothing sexy about Christian Grey, he's a domineering asshole, yet women are gaga over this fictional idiot. He also appears to have fingers the length of bananas. Or something equally as long and impressive. Are there any Buffy fans among us? Remember the episode Hush? Remember "The Gentlemen"? That.
Type "laters baby" (worst catchphrase EVER) into eBay or Etsy and marvel at the bucketloads of cushions, rings, handcuffs, posters and other various objects emblazoned with that stupid saying. It's ridiculous. I do quite like the cake though. I could eat that cake, even if his lips are a little weird.
Throughout the book, Ana blushes so much that someone should really send her the No.7 Rosy Tone Colour Control, and bites her lip so much that I imagine by the end of the third book in the trilogy, she'll look like this:
Ana's attitude to technology is also amazingly stupid - she refers to the laptop on more than one occasion as "the mean machine". Ana, it's a Macbook, not Optimus Prime. I won't mention her Inner Goddess for fear of exploding with rage, but I'll say this: Lizzie McGuire has a lot to answer for.
To finish up this incredibly jumbled post, I'm going to leave you with three things. One, the funniest line in the entire book. This is thought by Ana as she's tying her hair up in pigtails:
" The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard."
Two: E.L. James, not content with the mysterious weirdo Christian's skeletons and his tortured past, introduces a mysterious 'Situation' to deal with towards the end of the book. Nothing makes me want to rush out and spend another 7 quid like a mysterious Situation.
And finally, Three: My actual review of the story.
50 Shades in 50 Words
Holy Cow. Hips. Long Fingers. Go. Stay. Inner Goddess. Yes.
No. Go. Stay. Cry. Bite Lip. Stay. Go. Taciturn. Breathe.
Holy Cow. Bite Lip. Stay. Go. Long Fingers. Yes. No.
Bite Lip. Cry. Holy Cow. Situation. Inner Goddess. No. Yes.
Bite Lip. Don't. Do. Cry. Long Fingers. Ow. Cry. Cry.
I don't know how I finished it, but I did. It fried my brain - probably at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells.
Please don't waste your money. Get a Harlequin Blaze. Or a comic.
S xx
*My keyboard shortcuts aren't working. Imagine there's a fada on the "e".