Saturday, July 7, 2012

Hen Don't

As you probably know if you're one of the lovely peeps I talk to on twitter, I'm getting married this October. I'm doing all the planning myself - I'm not hard to please, and I know what I want. I also love DIY, so I've basically made everything I can make, and bought everything else on a tight budget - believe me, it does not need to cost a fortune.

Anyway - one of the things I was most adamant about was a hen night - or the lack of one. I don't want one. I have no problem with himself having a stag night with the lads, but I won't be doing the whole willy straw/sash/t-shirt thing. Not on your nelly.

I cringe every time I see a photograph on Facebook of a woman on her hen night licking cream off a banana nestled between the oiled-up thighs of a male stripper. If that's your thing - have at it, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I, personally, would rather lick cream off the cat.

I grew up near Carrick-on-Shannon, Co. Leitrim - hen party central. Even now, go out in Carrick any Saturday night and you'll meet at least 4 hen parties in the nightclub. Gangs of girls, all dressed in matching outfits or costumes, and all having a ball. And fair play to them, they seem to really enjoy themselves.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't. Fair enough if I'm 'letting the Sisterhood down' or whatever, but I don't have an enormous circle of female friends - in fact, I seem to have 'met' more similar-minded girls online than I know in reality. I can't and never could do the whole 'girls night out' thing - big groups of girls drove me insane, I couldn't hack it. I was (unsurprisingly) not hugely popular - not that it really bothered me, I managed to forge a couple of close friendships with some like-minded females and we're still friends today. Besides, in general, parties and I do NOT agree, I spend most of the night wishing I was at home watching telly, dodging cameras, then I befriend someone with every ache, pain and problem known to man, and when I finally break free and get nice and merry it's time to leave.

Here's the thing - when I say I'm not having a traditional hen night, I am getting the kind of looks one might expect after murdering a group of puppies. "But WHY?! Ohmigod, you can't get married without a proper hen!!!" Um, no, actually you can. Hen nights are surplus to legal requirement. I suggested going to a rally, going paintballing, go-karting, activity day, and not ONE person wanted to do any of them, they all wanted a piss-up in costumes. Fair enough so - in lieu of a hen, I've arranged to go for food with my sister & Mam.

Reading this back, I know I sound like a humourless shite who hates women, but I promise that's not true. It's not the going out part that I despise, it's all the accoutrements that go with it. For example, willy straws, mortifying photographs, printed t-shirts. Veils. L-plates. 

An Irish hen party site has helpful tips to 'humiliate the hen' - ie,  "Make her t-shirt two sizes too small". Puh-lease. You do that to me, you can kiss my arse as I leave. The L-plate thing really gets on my wick too - L is for learner. WHAT ARE THEY LEARNING. How to be a wife? I don't get it. What, are you a 'learner woman' until you get your marriage licence?!

What really cemented my thoughts on "traditional" hen nights happened at approximately 10am today - myself and himself were on the way up to see his Dad in hospital, and we pulled in at a petrol station to get coffee. When we got back on the road, we were behind a minibus decorated with pink balloons. It was full of women going on a hen - and two gals were sitting at the back window, waving two giant dildos at us and taking pictures of our reactions. I probably would have found that hilarious - never.

What are your thoughts? Do you embrace the (figuratively speaking) willies and sashes, or would that be your idea of a nightmare too? Would any other brides-to-be prefer a stag night? (I'd LOVE a stag night).

Or am I just getting old and bitchy before my time...

S xx

Random Stupid Postscript - Things I learned whilst writing this post:

  • Adam Ant is a play on the word adamant. (I have never copped this, slap me).
  • The word nestle is spelled the same as the brand nestle. I shall now forever pronounce the word nestled as "nest-laid".


  1. My sister was adamant- no lnplates, no willies , no costumes no theme! Her hen was lovely. I did a this is your life video thing, mr and mrs quiz ( all clean nothing eeew) and everyone had to write down a memory of her . I had a wedding traditions quiz and prizes of champagne bottle bubbles! Have everyone a party pack with headache tables, sweets, tissues and a gold straw and wedding confetti . Then we went for a meal and went dancing. Ail had a teeny tiara, more a hair clip and nothing else! It was hen
    Light and was so much fun

  2. See, THAT sounds like good craic! I love the idea of sharing memories and having a laugh together, it sounds brilliant! I can't express how much I hate the plastic willy theme,I really can't :( x

  3. photos are on fb and as you can see nothing bad. plus photo of me on the hen made my bf want to go out with me ( lol the sending on the photo bit of internet dating when you have a pictureless profile. Honestly was best hen ever!

  4. I had no idea about Adam Ant either! Damn!

    I agree with you on the hen though! I wouldn't do anything on that list now. The memories would haunt me for life.
    Plus "Get as many men to kiss me as I can" on the tshirt is shocking. That's cheating. Not something you should want to do before getting married to someone you supposedly love? and why would you want to lead other men on anyway by looking for their number. Stupid women :P

  5. I never had a hen (there wasn't time), but I have to say I wasn't actually too bothered with having one. that tshirt is a vile example of what small group of society thinks is acceptable.

  6. @CC - Exactly, it is cheating. I can't figure out why hen nights automatically turned into a complete joke, who decided that the best way to head off into married life was to go out and act like that?!

    @GWTSE - You were better off, I'm SO not bothered either. The t-shirt is gross, I have to say the bus thing yesterday really annoyed me - to me, shaking dildos at strangers in cars isn't funny, it's stupid and immature and crass!

    S x

  7. I felt exactly the same as you but I did want a nice evening with my friends. So I found a beauty salon that let me bring in drinks and snacks and we all got strip lashes or a file and polish (or both) before heading out for dinner, cocktails and a very cheesy nightclub where we danced the night away. No veils, L Plates, hilarious dares or anything else - the one traditionally hen night thing I allowed was penis straws, for the restaurant. For some reason I think they're hilarious! xo

  8. AAgh Emma, willy straws noooooo! Haha dinner, cocktails & dancing sounds brilliant, I bet it was a great night! The dares thing is dangerous, there are still photos of a friend of mine on facebook licking cream off a stripper's bum, rotten!!! xx


Talk at me!