Weight, weight weight. The bane of my life. I have let my weight get in the way of SO many things over the past 10 years and I'm just sick of it.
I got so disheartened the last time I lost "the weight" - I lost 3 stone by following Weightwatchers and went from a size 18 to a size 16. One dress size. I see other stories about women who drop 2 stone and end up going down a few sizes, or I hear "10 lbs is a dress size" and I think "why not me? Why was I still big even after I lost so much?" - and that was the beginning of the end for me. I sabotaged myself again and thought "well if I lose 3 stone and only drop one dress size, what's the point?". Looking back now, I wish I hadn't given up. I've gone right back to the "before" again. I look like someone took a bicycle pump to my face, FFS!!
|Left - size 18. Right - size 16. I don't understand it either...|
As a result of that, plus the baby weight that I put on AFTER my twin pregnancy, here I am again. Squeezing into size 18 jeans and size 20 tops, fooling myself that I don't have a double chin, that I'm no worse off than I was this time last year, thinking "ah I'm grand, I don't look my weight" - but I'm fed up.
I smoked for 15 years. I smoked between 10 and 15 cigarettes a day for most of that time. In June 2012, I read Allen Carr's "Easyway to Stop Smoking" and I have not touched one cigarette since. Nor have I wanted to - I swear to god, not one craving. Not one. I know I'll never, ever touch a cigarette again, it's just fact - I know I won't. Trying to get my eating under control is a million times more difficult than that was.
I've tried Weightwatchers. I've tried Slimming World. I've tried Paleo. I've tried 5:2. I've tried Slimfast. I've tried Special K. I've tried Soup diets. Do you know when I've lost the most weight? When I've relaxed, started the day with a half hour brisk walk, drank about 2 litres of water a day, cut out processed "food" and eaten stuff like boiled eggs for breakfast, soup and salad for lunch, and stir fries or lean proteins for dinner. When I read up on weightloss plans, I go bald-headed into it for about 3 weeks and then it all goes to pot. I find myself trying to "sneak" bad stuff in, like "oh I'm sure 5 chips don't count" or "it's hot, it's only an ice cream, everyone's having an ice-cream" or "one extra slice of toast won't make a difference" and before I know it I'm in old familiar territory - "I'm having a bad day, I'll just eat what I want and start tomorrow", then "it's been a bad few days, I'll just eat what I want and start Monday" - but Monday never comes.
What the hell is it, in me, that pushes that button that makes me think it's acceptable to eat a whole tub of Pringles in one go? Or 6 cream crackers with butter and cheese without even breathing? Why is it that I can eat a dinner, feel full, and hear the word "Chinese" and start foaming at the mouth? Those "sharing" bags of crisps? I never share. Those instant pasta things full of additives that serve 2? They serve me. Why do I do it?
I have no idea. But I do know that unless I shift some of "the weight", I won't live long enough to do the things I want to do. I want to be able to see my boys marry their future wives/husbands. I want to babysit my Grandchildren. I want to run around and play football or have races. And you know what? On a completely superficial level, I want to be able to walk into a room and have people think "isn't she pretty". Not "she has a lovely face, but she's very heavy for her age" (overheard, and true). I don't ever want my son to come home from school again and say "I don't like that boy, he said you were fat." (mortified and embarrassed). I want to feel good about myself. I want to look and feel sexy (for myself and for my husband). I want to be able to walk into someone's house and be able to sit on a chair without thinking "shit, will that take my weight?". I want to be able to walk around for a few hours and not worry about sweating or being told "your face is really red". I want to be able to have a conversation without thinking "I bet they're thinking she has put on so much weight, god she's very heavy". I WANT A FAMILY PICTURE GODDAMMIT.
There are heart problems in my family. There are cancers. There's diabetes. My own father died with cancer aged 49, my maternal Grandmother had 3 heart attacks and breast cancer. I've already had a heart scare - I started drinking far too much coffee when I had the boys, and it triggered an abnormal heart rhythm. My GP told me to stay away from coffee, coke, alcohol - I've done that for months now, and I don't miss any of it (honesty corner - I did have a small hot whiskey on Christmas Eve). I've never been as terrified in my life - I spent the morning of my twins' first birthday wired up to an ECG machine worried sick that I was going to have a heart attack.
I'm not going to tell you what I weigh, today. But what I am going to do is start treating my body like the wonderful, special thing it is - instead of dumping rubbish into it. I'm sick of feeling like shit, sick of panicking if I can't find a particular black cardigan, sick of scanning a room full of people to see if I can find anyone my size or larger. I'm sick of turning down events or outings or parties because I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm sick of feeling like I'm trapped in a fat suit. Sick of it all.
I came across Stephanie O'Quigley's latest post on her site snappedup.ie last night - and it was the kick I needed to start this now. I was all set to start Monday - but it's today. Today is the start. I am finished poisoning myself.
I did a huge shop in Tesco based on things Stephanie recommended and things we like to eat as a family - here's a pic of everything, and I'll also write the details down underneath. My weekly shopping bill for 5 of us including household items, dog food and nappies is always around €120 in Tesco - today my bill was €133 so there wasn't much of a difference. The chia seeds were €10 and they're not something I'll need to buy every week, nor will I have to buy coconut oil or peanut butter every week so I'm happy with that. I haven't pictured the household/baby stuff or the stuff I got for my husband (he likes rashers, sausages, butter, ketchup, cows' milk, etc.).
I'm going to update once a month, because I'm only going to weigh myself once a month. The first of the month instead of every day going "ah I'm the same weight as I was yesterday, that means the spicy chips didn't do any damage, may as well have them again today" - AAGH. The babies are great eaters, they love rice/veg/chicken/fish so I'm hopeful that they will benefit too. My eldest will be a little more hard work, but I'll ease him in and see where it goes from there.
Here goes, eh?
Healthy Eating Shopping List: Prices Valid as of 02/01/15 at Tesco
Curly Kale €1.23
Little Gem Lettuce (Twin Pack) €0.89
Salad Tomatoes €0.99
Brown Rice €0.98
Glenisk Fat-Free Natural Yogurt €1.94
Mixed fresh Chillies €0.85
Ready to eat Avocado (Twin Pack) €1.99
McCambridge's Brown Bread €1.79
No Added Sugar Alpen Muesli €3.75
Salad Onions €0.79
Stewing Beef (great for Slow Cooker) €3.00
75% Dark Chocolate €1.89
Meridian 100% Peanut Butter €2.95
Tuna x 3 €2.67
Tesco Unsalted Mixed Nuts €1.45
Unsalted Cashews €1.69
Turkey Breast Mince €4.00
Peppermint Teabags €1.19
Chia Seeds €9.99
Mixed Peppers (I hate green peppers so I got a pack with yellow/red/orange)€1.59
Wild Salmon (6 Pack, frozen) €5.49
Red Onions €1.29
Sweet Potatoes €1.13
Petit Pois (frozen) & Brussels Sprouts (frozen) both for €2.50
Sweetcorn (frozen) & Baby Carrots (frozen) both for €2.50
Broccoli x 2 €1.49
Coconut Oil €1.99
Chicken Breasts €7.50
Unsweetened Almond Milk €2.19
I know that food is only a tiny part of being healthy, and I'll tackle the exercise too, but food is the one thing that always trips me up. If I can get that under control first, I'll be able to go and enjoy a walk or cycle without coming home and eating a sandwich in disgust because I haven't instantly dropped a stone.